A Smile for Every Day
by Nightwitch87
Summary: Even one year after Claire's death, it's hard for Tess to accept the situation and Alex's pain still boils under the surface. One shot, Tess' POV. English translation of 'Für jeden Tag ein Lächeln', which was written first.


Disclaimer: All characters of the TV-show „McLeod's Daughters" are property of "Nine Network", "The South Australian Film Corporation" and "Millenium Television". This is a non-profit story that was written for mere enjoyment. Any similarities to living or deceased persons are coincidental and were not intended by the author.

**A Smile for Every Day**

„Hey" She met him outside, where he was leaning against one of the patio columns, a cold beer in his hand, staring in the direction of the reddish band of light at the horizon. He turned around abruptly and for a moment, she felt as if she had caught him doing something forbidden.

"Tess…" The grief on his face was quickly replaced by a jovial grin, even if it was only half as broad as usual. "lost another round of poker?"

"Nah…it's all strategy, you know. You've got to lull them into a false sense of security to beat them later."

"Sure… 'Tess, the gambling champ'…" Alex shook his head and took another sip of his beer. Against all odds, she didn't give him one of her quick-witted answers. No matter how hard they were trying to keep up the façade of normality, it just wouldn't work-at least not today. Even Alex's ironic comments appeared to arrive more slowly than usual.

Tess was sick of it, she couldn't stand any more of that feigned gaiety, or artificial attempts at cheering her up, at pretending that everything was just fine. She knew that the others only meant it well, that they, in a sense, needed it themselves to refrain from bursting out into tears…but it was just too much. There was only one theme, which kept recurring to her thoughts, her dreams. Sometimes, she could repress it, it was possible to keep on living, but reality caught up with her at night, over and over again, like a never ending perpetual motion. Every time she tried to run from it, she was trapped in a circle.

"Claire once fought a herd of emus here." She didn't know why she said it right at that moment. It made no sense; the thought had simply popped up inside her mind.

Alex laughed, perhaps a bit too long, because she was able to see that he was close to tears. "God, Tess…" His voice was barely above a whisper.

"I know." When his gaze found hers this time, every bit of amusement had vanished from it. What remained was the pain…always. The pain that could not be described in words, the pain she knew all too well. And for the first time in a long while, Tess McLeod was speechless.

"Everything would be different today."

"We can't know what the situation would be like. So much could have happened-"

"It would be different, Tess." She bit her lip to keep herself from crying. This "other life" was something she couldn't think about, not even today. It hurt too much, it always would. The most horrible realization was the awareness of what could have been.

Alex turned around and set down his can of beer, picking up his hat from the table. "I guess I should go now. Thanks for the invitation."

"Are you sure?"

"Sure I'm sure, you're not _that_ bad of a cook, ya know." Tess smiled wanly at his deliberate misunderstanding and hugged him without a word. She didn't feel all that comfortable, knowing that he would spend the evening in mourning by himself. Nick was in the city, and Harry or Sandra were hardly people he would share his innermost thoughts with. But maybe he needed this loneliness, for tonight at least. She wasn't seriously worried about him, after all, he had promised to lead Charlotte around on Hopscotch tomorrow. He would come, she knew that, and he would fool around, make bad jokes, take care of his little princess; everything would be just as usual. But not as it once had been, not as it would have been if only…

"Do you wanna go look for Aunty Tess?" Jodi's voice rapidly interrupted her train of thought. Tess turned around and saw the young woman leading her niece, holding her tiny hand. "Where's Aunty Tess?"

"There!" Charlotte pointed at her, parted with Jodi's hand and came running towards her in shaky steps.

"Yeah, good girl!"

Tess crouched down, beaming all over the face, and picked up her niece. "Hi, BOM! Shouldn't you be in bed?"

"She kept whining for a really long time and she was so…fidgety, so I thought I'd better take her…and then I saw you outside."

"Thanks, Jodi, I'll take her. Her father won't be happy at all if I return her all tired and whiny on Wednesday. Right, sweetheart?" She brushed a strand of sweaty hair out of BOM's face.

"So how far are you guys with your round of poker?"

"We…stopped. No one really felt like it." Tess only nodded, still focussed on her little girl.

Jodi remained by the door, unsure of herself for a moment. "Umm, Tess, are you okay, as much as that's…well, with the anniversary of Claire's death and all?" She had almost forgotten it for a moment.

"Sure, I'm fine."

"Really?"

"Not entirely, but…tolerably." At that moment, Jodi looked so understanding and lost at the same time that Tess could have embraced her. "It's okay."

"Yeah, I often think...I think I'm gonna go to sleep."

"Good night, Jodi!"

" 'Night!"

They could really be speaking of "night" now: The last light of the day had given way to a black sky, which was illuminated by countless stars due to the good weather. In spite of the relatively mild temperatures, with regard to the season, Tess enwrapped her niece with her own, wide jacket and stepped up to the railing of the patio.

She pointed at the sky. "Look, Charlotte, stars! This one's yours-yes, it belongs to you only-that one's mine, and the one over there belongs to your mummy. That way, you're never alone."

Tess only noticed that tears were running down her face when she felt Charlotte's little hand on her moist cheek. "Ow!"

She smiled. "No, not 'ow', everything's all right."

And suddenly, she realized what she did it all for, why she got up in the morning and kept drudging on the farm all day long, why she kept up a sense of normality. There would be many days, many days like this one full of small joys, many things worth living for. But the most important thing, the crucial factor, was Charlotte. Tess had found and lost her sister, but what weighed heavier than the loss was what she had gained through the finding: a home.

The thought of knowing what would expect her the next day was soothing. Tomorrow morning, at five o'clock, her alarm would ring and she would get up, have breakfast and do, what she did every day. And she would be happy, for Claire, for Drover's, for Charlotte-and for her own sake.

"Come on, BOM, let's go inside. It's getting cold."

**The End**


End file.
